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Dear reader....
The following essay shall give you a rather personal view on D/s. I've been a dominant for a couple years, and I'm still learning... Not by the book,
by myself. As far as I'm concerned, books only can teach you the handiwork,
the how-to... but in the end everyone has to find their own way. And that's
best done uninfluenced by print media. It's a biased view I'm giving you here, biased on my personal experiences
and on what I have learned. It's about the theoretic of D/s as such. If you want an how-to on using toys and
techniques, find some BDSM FAQ. If you're interested in the psychological background of D/s, you're right here.
I don't claim to be perfect. I don't claim to know everything. What I'll
tell you is what I have found works for me though. Maybe it will be of help to you in finding your own way.
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MISCONCEPTIONS
We all have our stereotypes and imaginations about D/s and what's called the 'scene', right?
Leather clad gay boys and whip-whacking dominatrixes...
1> D/s=Abuse and violence
Violence. Abuse possibly... That's what cheap porn and B-movies teach us, that's what we can maybe even laugh about.. or are disgusted by.
Forget Gor and Story of O. Real life D/s isn't all like that. Violence has no place in D/s. Abuse has no place. Period. A healthy D/s
relationship is consentual and full of love and trust and respect like any loving relationship. And most 24/7 D/s relationships are 80% the
'vanilla' relationships we know. It's those 20% leftover that add fire
and spice to it...
2> Roles
The dom's always a guy and the sub's always a girl, ri-iight. That's one of the most often heard stereotypes about D/s... D/s
behavior is independent of gender. It's a personality thing, that's all. There's
kickass female doms out there and really good male subs...
3> Doms are beefy machos
Erk..somewhere I've heard that one before. To be a dom you have to be
a muscle-packed bully. Ri-iight. Dominance has nothing to do with physical strength, it's entirely a personality thing. You cannot
measure the quality of a dominant by their physical attributes. And since we're at it, a dom doesn't need a big harem to be a good dom.
Don't judge a dom's quality by the number of subs they have. It's a lot more fulfilling to give your attention to just one sub. It builds
a lot more trust...
4> Subs are weak
Sure, subs are weak...and pigs can fly. Again, being a sub is a personality thing, and it's pretty independent of other personality
traits at that. Never assume that subs are weak or less worth or
anything... It takes a great deal of trust, respect and often love to submit to someone... Don't cheapen those values. It takes a lot
to put yourself into someone else's hands...
5> Slaves are public property
Ugh... another common misconception... Only because someone has submitted to someone else, this doesn't give anyone else the right to
'use' them, to hit on them and try and dominate them. Submissives are not public property. They're under the protection of their dominant,
and a good dominant will make sure not to hurt the trust the sub is putting in them. In return, a sub always submits to one dominant, not
to all doms in general. Because it takes respect and trust to truly submit... and how can you trust total strangers?!
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DOMINANCE
What makes a dominant? Is it physical strength? Does being an egocentric macho guy built like a truck make you a dominant? No way. Dominance isn't
a physical quality, it's a personality thing. And being a dom certainly doesn't mean bullying girls into submission and getting an ego kick out
of it. That's cheap porn movie stereotypes. So...what does it take to be a dominant? As far as I'm concerned, there's
three main qualities every dom needs:
1> Patience
Be patient. If something doesn't work out the way you want, give it another try, and figure out why it failed. Find solutions. Use your
brain, it's a dom's most important tool. Be patient with yourself AND with your sub. Neither of you starts
out perfect. There's no perfect doms out there, and no perfect subs either. Just matching couples. So.. live and learn, step by step.
2> Self Control and Maturity
As a dom you want to take control of your sub's life. How can you possibly do that if you don't even have yourself under control? Keep
your temper down, think about your actions... Show confidence in
yourself and in your sub. Confidence can surround a good dom like an aura. It's part of the power flow between the two partners of a
D/s relationship.
3> Reasonability and Responsibility
Stay down to earth! Don't expect impossible things from your sub! As a personal guideline, I'll never ask a sub anything I wouldn't
be perfectly willing to do myself. It's a good safety mechanism to use. So.. be reasonable in your orders, think about the consequences
before you issue an order. Remember that your sub trusts you, and that you take
responsibility for your sub. Don't disappoint them!
There's a lot more points that all together are important to what makes a good dominant. Those are the main ones as far as I'm concerned.
And always remember, be true to yourself! Listen to what your mind tells
you, and listen to your sub.
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SUBMISSION
'You're a submissive, so you have to serve me because I say so'. I've had to cope with enough people with that attitude. I call them 'wannabe
doms'. Because that's exactly what they are. You cannot just EXPECT submission
from anyone, possibly a stranger. True submission is GIVEN, not taken.
It's probably is the greatest gift a sub can make to their dominant. It never can be enforced, it cannot be taken for granted, it's something that
has to be earned and valued. It's a sign of deep respect and trust, and possibly love. And it's given selectively. Only because someone submits
to one person doesn't mean they will or have to submit to everyone. Three things I value in a submissive:
1> The willingness to serve
I don't expect perfection from a sub... Nobody is perfect. What I want to see is that honest efforts are made, that the sub is TRYING
their best to fulfill given orders and fit into the role 24/7.
2> A sane and creative mind
A dom should be creative. So should a sub! Little surprises, gestures of affection.. All those things you expect from a vanilla relationship
too are important to an D/s one as well. Don't just receive, give!
D/s is a two way road, it takes work from both partners. And a sub should know when to say No. Nobody likes 'I'll do anything,
sir' doormats.
3> Loyalty and honesty
If I ask a sub a question, I expect a honest answer. Yes, that might include
embarrassing topics... but that's part of the power flow between the sub and
dom, it keeps things alive. If another dom hits on my sub, I expect a no as an answer... Submission never should be given to
everyone around you, it's a sacred gift..and it should be something special between the dom and their sub, something reserved only for them.
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DOM/SUB vs TOP/BOTTOM
What's the difference? I'll try and make it clear: The dom is the one issuing orders, the sub is the one following them. The top is the one
performing an action, the bottom is on the receiving end...
A dom doesn't have to be a top. As a dom I could order my sub to give me a backrub.. and they'd be the top while doing so. Dom/Sub and Top/Bottom
are independent of each other. Historically the Top/Bottom term has its roots in the gay scene, by the way.. while D/s exists as such independent
of sexual alignment...
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PETS vs SLAVES
Here and then I get asked what the difference between a pet and a slave is. As far as I'm concerned, it's the degree of submission that varies, and the
closeness of the whole relationship as such. Where a slave might earn a stern look, a pet will get away with it... A pet can turn down any given
order for any reason, with no consequences and only has to submit when they
feel like it, while a slave is bound into the relationship and has a fixed
role.
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LIFESTYLE vs. SCENE
The D/s crowd divides into two big groups. The lifestylers who actually live D/s are are together with their sub 24/7, and the sceners who only
meet for playing together... I tend to be pro-lifestyle and contra-scene-
only. Why? Well.. how can you possibly submit to someone you only meet for
playing? How can you possibly TRUST them? Scene-only D/s is a little like
casual sex. You never know what you get..and worst case it's a very unpleasant surprise.
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TRAINING
Train your sub! Try and prevent boredom from coming up, set up a regular training schedule... Talk with your sub and determine where you two want
to work and improve, and how... Or, if you know your sub well enough, surprise them. Keep it interesting, provide diversity. Not to mention that
regular training will help your sub to serve you better. This can start with simple kneeling poses, like a greeting pose, or a casual side kneel
your sub can slip into when you two are together. Don't use force to train your sub... Address natural instincts, reward good
behavior... A well trained sub will react to small gestures.... and a good dom will
be able to guide their sub with the wink of an eye.
The high school of training are slow behavior modification and reflex conditioning. The best example of it is orgasm-on-command training for
instance...since climaxing is a reflex and can be reconditioned... And you
imagine what a powerful feeling it is to give your sub a real, wet orgasm
by merely breathing a single trigger word into her ear while you're holding
her in your arms?
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RITUALS
Little rituals and regulations are important for a D/s relationship. That can start with getup rituals in the morning and ends with bedtime. Be creative, think something up. That starts with the collaring ceremony,
which I like to repeat once a year to renew all bonds. That goes over a dozen different kneeling poses for different situations. That includes
daily rituals like the blindfolding at night, or get-up rituals like showering together in the morning. Everyday stuffs, spiced up within the
context of D/s. Rituals tell your sub what to do in which situation, give
them a way of expressing wishes and feelings without having to say them out
loud, give them the feeling to have done right, make it easier for them to
please their owner... So set up a whole mesh of rituals and rules that will
accompany you and your sub through the entire day. A set of step stones to
go everyday. It gives a feeling of belonging together and it provides a lot of security for the sub.
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PUNISHMENT
Sometimes, in rare situations, a sub might need to be put in place. Yes, it happens... and it's not easy. I prefer a rather slow approach to
punishment, never punish easily.
There's a few general guidelines:
1> Only punish if necessary!
Everyone slips up here and then! Remember that. So, if your sub fails an order, take them to your side and talk about it, find out
what happened and why, and work out together how to improve. Only repeated
misdemeanor needs punitive correction.
2> Never get physical!
Never beat your sub. Never hurt them in anger! Never let it get to a point where your sub is AFRAID of you.. because FEAR has no place
in a D/s relationship! Work with reward rather than punishment.
Regularly use little, affectionate gestures to make your sub feel they've done right, and just ignore them if they act up bad or fail
an order. In most cases that suffices... Remember that you cannot
enforce submission. That the sub is serving you willingly. And that you have to make them want to serve you.
3> THINK before you act!
You certainly don't want to just punish away! Think up an effective way of punishment. Attention withdrawal works wonderfully! If you take your sub the ability to please, you deprive them of actively being
a submissive... So... Put your sub on attention withdrawal for a day, or 3 days if you want to punish... Don't talk to them a single word,
just ignore their presence. Be patient! Sooner or later they'll come to you and apologize... And mean it too.
Maybe ask them to write a letter about their failure, about what happened, and what they can do to prevent it. A thousand words, by hand!
Busy your sub's mind with why they're being punished! Make them think about it! Sometimes, in harsh cases, and only when your sub is
psychically stable and doesn't easily get panic attacks, you CAN try to
put them on sensory deprivation. Tell them to think about their failure. Then tie them up, blindfold and gag them, and plug their ears. Leave
them like that for a few hours but do not leave the house!!! Stay at the
same room or next door and work, or watch TV, read a book.. Whatever strikes your fancy. But stay close!
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COLLARS & MARKS
I've found many 'vanilla' furs to dislike them... 'How can you wear this thing' they say. To me a collar is visible sign of being owned by someone,
of being in a D/s relationship. It's is not an element of humiliation or
restraint... It's a sign that there's someone who took you in and is taking
care of you, that there's someone you're important to, someone who loves
you... It's pretty much the wedding band of a D/s relationship... and should be something special... given during a collaring ceremony and worn
with pride.
This goes for other marks as well... Piercings, tattoos, scars... It's important to take it slow on those due to their relative permanence.
I know I wouldn't let a dom brand me if I was with them for just a few
months. I know I would let them do it and wear the mark with pride if it was several years we were together and the relationship is stable. Just an
example. Keep in mind... Marks tell a story, tell of your past, of your life. They're part of you...and you don't have to be ashamed of them. Wear
them openly and with pride.
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SAFEWORD SYSTEMS
How can a sub say No? You always have to give them a way to back out of uncomfortable
situations. And it's perfectly fine to safeword for a dom, too... It's an emergency break, and sometimes you do need it. Not often,
and the better you know each other, the less you'll need it... but it's gotta be there. I have found two safeword systems to work just fine for me.
1> The Traffic Light System
This one works especially well 'in-scene', when you're actually holding a training session with your sub, no matter what that kinda training
you practice. If the sub calls Yellow, slow down a bit... Red means stop. Scene's cancelled. Something bad happened..and it's your task
to figure out what, together with your sub. If you want to disguise the use of safewords a little, negotiate about replacement words
for 'red' and 'yellow' you both can use... So....when to safeword? Generally I give a sub four valid reasons for
safewording:
A> Their physical health is put at risk by an order.
If a sub has safety concerns about their health pertaining to any in-scene or training activities, that is a perfectly fine reason
to safeword.
B> Their mental health is at risk.
Your sub's so seriously squicked by something they have to back out or will seriously suffer from it. E.g. Bring up bad past memories or
cause flashbacks/nightmares... We all have a past. It's important to take that in consideration when training a sub.
C> Their financial health is endangered.
I prefer my subs to stay financially independent, whether it is them working daytimes, or me paying a regular amount to their bank account.
This does not have to mean that the sub will have free access to all their monetary resources at all times.. but it means that there IS
money, just in case... Back up yourself. Twice. And if any given order would put that financial padding at risk, it's perfectly fine
to say No.
D> A given order is illegal by law.
No need discussing that. Don't compromise your sub. Don't make them do illegal stuffs. Period. Take responsibility for your sub.
2> The EqualsNow system
EqualsNow is a good safeword system for long term relationships. It pertains to the relationship as such, not just to training sessions or
single orders. If the sub or dom feel uncomfortable inside the
relationship, both have the right to call EqualsNow. The time it's called, it means the relationship reverts back to 'vanilla mode'. No
sub or dom, equal partners. The first time EqualsNow is called, this
'vanilla mode' lasts for the rest of the entire day. Enough time to work out minor problems. Should EqualsNow be called thrice a week, the
relationship as such goes vanilla for one month. Because in such a case there's definitely something that has to be worked out and a few
decisions to be met and changes to be made.
And always remember that you love each other, care for each other..and that you both want to make your relationship work. TALK, be open about everything that bothers you, and safeword situations can be avoided from happening...
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HUMILIATION
An art many try themselves on but only few master is humiliation. Something
many people don't understand is that humiliating a sub is NOT about hurting
them or their feelings. It's about addressing their secret needs and desires
in a very...subtle way. You have to know your sub for that, and you have to
have some experience. Speech patterns, they way you use your voice to emphasize, the way you touch your sub.... It's about making them squirm
heavily and blush in embarrassment, it's about making them admit to their
deepest fantasies and desires in front of you, on their knees, hugging your
legs, embarrassed and crying...and yet loving every single moment of it, because you make them feel that you understand them, show them that you
love them and what they do for you. Show that you value them and care about
them....
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S&M
Sadism/Masochism play is one of the harder playforms SOMETIMES found in D/s environments. It CAN be part of a D/s relationship or scene, but doesn't
have to..because essentially S&M doesn't have to do much with D/s, the two
exist entirely independently of each other. But to the experienced sub and
dom it can be a rather powerful toy to play with. Enduring pain can be a
very strong sign of submission, of showing your dom how far you will go just for them, that you will put them above your physical instincts...
A second point to be taken in consideration is body chemistry, when talking
about S&M play. Have you ever been bitten during sex? So much it left a bruise? Did it hurt? The moment someone would have bitten you in an
everyday situation so much it left a bruise, you'd have swatted them away.
Why not while being intimate with someone? The keypoints are distraction,
and endorphins. Especially when aroused, your body easily releases them. They're a natural opiate, can literally make you high... Maybe you've heard
the word 'painslut' before. That's exactly what I'm referring to. It's possibly to be high on pain, if that pain is given in the right context.
It's like floating two inches above floor level, feeling all light and surreal... A strange, interesting feeling.
So..keep an open mind and feel free to experiment. This can start with an
easy spanking and go over paddling to caning.. This can include hot wax games and clothespins... This can go up to needle play/play piercing and
cutting games, for the really experienced S&M player. Of course you NEVER should practice pain play with anyone who cannot prove
their experience to you.. If you have the slightest doubts and don't trust
them fully, back out of it! And always negotiate about safewords beforehand.
Ohh..and make sure to work sterile in case your activities are going to break the skin. (needle
play/playpiercing!)
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PROPERTY
Is a slave their dom's property? Yes and no. Does that mean the Dom can do with their sub what they want? NO! Does that mean a dom can or should lend their sub to other doms to play with? Never! Remember that your sub has submitted to YOU and trusts YOU, not any other dom.. Don't break that
trust. Back to the 'Property' thought... Some subs like to be objectified, especially in-scene... but that varies and you NEVER should generalize it.
Let the sub give themselves to you.. up to the extend they're comfortable
with. This CAN lead up to the point that you'll hold their whole life in
your hands, that they're your property, literally... but you never should
try and enforce it. Let them decide if it's that they want, and take as much of herself as they give you.
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FREEDOM through SLAVERY
It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? Freedom through Slavery. But if you're the sub in a loving, close D/s relationship, if you have a good
dominant, it means many of your everyday worries will just cease to exist.
You'll be taken care of, decisions will be met for you, and for every problem you can go to your dom and talk with them... It means having
someone you can rely on... Someone to take over the lead where you're not strong enough... So yes, if a sub commits themselves into a deep,
loving D/s relationship, slavery can mean freedom.
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CONCLUSION
I'll end my little essay here. I hope it's been worth reading. There's a lot more I could have written, the topic D/s as such is far too big to
be handled in just one essay... So feel free to leave #mail if you have any questions or suggestions. And most importantly, keep an open mind and
talk with your sub or dom. Communication is the keypoint of every relationship, it's what makes things work.
-Ronny Steele, October 2001
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