Fear shouldn't be stronger than love
by Trisha Crabb - Oct. 12, 1996

Fear rules. And fear is a two way street. Closeted homosexuals and bisexuals are afraid to confront their fears, so are many straight people. And like most fears that lie in the darkest parts of our souls, we will all go to extreme lengths to protect ourselves from being subjected to our imagined horrors.

In between lies the root of homophobia. When one group or culture is afraid of another, a wall of misunderstandings and hatred is born. We fall back on ingrained doctrine to tell us how to act and how to behave, projecting our own preconceived notions onto others unjustly. That's why National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is so important, not just to gays and lesbians, but to those others, the dreaded evil Straights.

On NCOD homosexuals all over the world reach out and give their trust to people that they fear the most. They tell their friends, families, coworkers and neighbors that they are gay. It is not an easy day. It's not easy for a homosexual person to reveal a secret that they have held for years or even decades, it's always hard to admit you've lied, if even only by omission. It's not easy for the person who has to listen to the secret either, having someone you love and trust tell you that they've duped you for that length of time can be shattering. And yet thousands of people do it every year.

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day ~ If you are one of the homosexual people who braved the wrath of the people closest to you, take a deep breath. Today is a new day and you deserve a pat on the back, no matter what kind of a reaction you receive, don't give up your hope. There are going to be people in your life that simply cannot accept your sexuality, that shouldn't hurt you. There are people that you don't get along with simply because you don't like the way they dress, you can't expect everybody to like you, gay or not. Take pride in yourself and solidify the relationships with the people who can accept you for who and what you are. If your one of those people who woke up today reeling because your daughter, your best friend or the milkman told you that they're gay, take a moment to put things in perspective.

The Earth is still rotating around the sun, Pizza Hut still rules, and hey, it's not like you missed your income tax filing deadline or anything. You simply know a little bit more about that person than you expected, you're not being recruited and just knowing someone gay doesn't mean that you're going to get cooties or AIDS or anything except an uneasy feeling deep in the pit of your stomach. Take some Mylanta and get out of bed, call your new gay friend and say, "Hey, I may need some time but I'll work on it. Thanks for trusting me." They need to hear it and you need to say it.

Fear only rules if you allow it to!

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How do I know?
Who am I? Am I gay?

It's not easy to discover that you are a gay, lesbian, or bisexual member of society. We all have heard the terrible jokes, the hurtful stereotypes and the wrong ideas that circulate about gay people. Society tends to hate or fear that which it doesn't understand. It's no wonder that you might choose to hide your gay feelings from others. You might even be tempted to hide
them from yourself. It is hard work to conceal your thoughts and feelings. And in doing so you are considered to be "in the closet." It is a painful and lonely place to be, even if you stay there in order to survive.

It takes a lot of energy to deny your feelings, and it can be costly. You may have tried using alcohol or other drugs to numb yourself against these thoughts. You may have considered suicide. If so, please consult your local lesbian and gay community center or bookstore! As you start to listen to your deepest feelings and learn more about what it means to be gay, hopefully you will begin to be comfortable with your sexuality. This process is called "coming out".

The first step to coming out is to tell yourself that you are gay and say, "That's OK." Later you may want to tell someone else--someone you trust to be understanding and sympathetic. You will probably want to meet other gays, lesbians, or bisexuals for friendship or a more intimate relationship. You need to decide whether or not to tell your family and choose the right time to do so. Lots of people, including parents, simply don't understand gay people and are difficult to come out to. In the beginning, it is probably wise to be cautious about whom you tell.

One crucial step in the coming out process is being honest with yourself. As much as self-denial costs you, coming out pays off. Most people who accept their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier, and more confident. Coming out is a life-long process that allows you to develop as a whole individual and makes it easier for you to develop a positive self-image. The process of coming out varies from person to person.

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Commonly Asked Questions

1. What is a homosexual?
A person who has a sexual attraction primarily to members of the same sex is a homosexual. A woman who is sexually attracted primarily to women is commonly referred to as a lesbian. A man who is sexually attracted to men is called a gay man. A person who is attracted to both sexes is considered to be bisexual.

2. What determines a person's sexual orientation?
It is not known what causes homosexuality or heterosexuality. One theory is what sexual orientation is determined prenatally. Another theory is that it is determined after birth by environmental factors. In any case, one's sexual orientation is said to be established by a very early age.

3. Can one's sexual orientation be changed?
Since homosexuality is merely one of the variations of sexual behavior, a better question might be "Should homosexual people change? If so, why?" Studies have indicated that attempts to change one's sexual orientation are usually unsuccessful and often lead to increased depression and in some cases suicide.

4. How many lesbians, gays, and bisexuals are there?
Although figures vary, studies have estimated that 10% of the population are lesbian, gay, or bisexual for a significant part of their lives. It is difficult to determine exact percentages as many of those who are fearful of prejudice hide their sexual orientation.

5. Can lesbians, gays, and bisexuals be easily identified?
While you may be able to identify some lesbian and gay men, most are, contrary to popular belief, indistinguishable from other people. There is no single homosexual lifestyle. Lesbians, gays, and bisexuals lead diverse lives and work in all occupations in every part of the country and world. Homosexuals are singles and committed couples; intellectuals and jocks; rich, middle-class, and poor; urban, suburban, and rural; black, Latino, Asian-Pacific, white, and members of all other races.

6. Do homosexuals experience discrimination?
Like many other minority groups who are perceived to be "different," lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals experience misunderstanding and prejudice. Name-calling, harassment, physical violence, and discrimination in employment and housing are a few of the ways in which homosexuals are mistreated.

7. Is homosexuality a mental illness?
No. In 1973, the following resolution was passed by the American Psychiatric Association's Board of Trustees: "Homosexuality, per se implies no impairment in judgment, stability, reliability, or general social vocational capabilities. Further, [we] urge all mental health professionals to take the lead in removing the stigma of mental illness associated with homosexual orientation."

In many societies, homosexuality is considered quite normal. This was the case in many Native American cultures (in which homosexuals often served as spiritual leaders) and in many present-day societies, such as the Netherlands, Denmark, Sweden, and Thailand.

8. Are homosexuals promiscuous?
Not necessarily. Many lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals are single and many are in long-term relationships. In a study by Masters and Johnson, the differences in sexual promiscuity were between men and women, regardless of sexual orientation. Lesbian and heterosexual women were generally more inclined to be emotionally committed before becoming sexually intimate. Gay and heterosexual men, on the other hand, generally evidence less emotional evolvement before becoming sexually intimate.

9. Are homosexual people child molesters?
Pedophilia, sexual attraction to children, should never be confused with homosexuality. Many studies have documented that the overwhelming majority of child molesters are heterosexual men.

10. What do religions say about homosexuality?
Many of the world's religions do not condemn homosexuality at all. However within the Judeo-Christian tradition, theologians and biblical scholars continue to differ on the Bible's six passages that have been used to condemn homosexual behavior. They agree on one thing, however Jesus said absolutely nothing at all about homosexuality.

As knowledge has expanded, religions have also often expanded their horizons. For example, in the seventeenth century, Galileo was imprisoned by the Catholic Church for suggesting that the earth was not the center of the universe. In the 19th century, Charles Darwin was condemned for teaching the "blasphemous" theory of evolution. Before the Civil War, many churches defended slavery on the basis that it was condoned in the bible.

11. Is AIDS a homosexual disease?
No. AIDS (Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome) is not spread by "homosexual behavior." Rather, it is a disease spread by unprotected, unsafe sexual behavior, both homosexual and heterosexual. (Sharing needles can also spread the virus.) In Africa, unprotected heterosexual intercourse has been the prime mode of transmission. Lesbians are the least at risk of infection with HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) of any population group, heterosexual or homosexual.

NOTE: The above questions were taken from a fact sheet distributed by the
Friends Project in Seattle, Washington.

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For heterosexual friends and allies of lesbians and gay men, a chance to experience what it's like to face 20 questions about your sexual preference. This questionaire is a famous educational tool for confronting homophobia.


HETEROSEXUAL QUESTIONNAIRE
(original version by Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., West Hollywood, CA)

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of if ?

4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. Isn't it possible that all you really need is a good gay lover?

6. Heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of rejection?

7. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer that?

8. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?

9. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

10. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you people feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

11. If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

12. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

13. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

14. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusive heterosexual object choice and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, natural, healthy, Godgiven homosexual potential?

15. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sexroles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy roleplaying?

16. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual, considering the menace of overpopulation?

19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?

20. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

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How to suck pussy

[the following is a page i lifted from somewhere random on the 'net a couple years ago and totally forgot about. i can't remember where i found it, and i never had a clue who wrote it - but she speaks gospel as far as i'm concerned. pay attention! there will be a quiz at the end of class... ]

Hey, I have a lot of respect for all you guys who like to eat pussy because there are too few of you out there. And I'm not the only woman who says this. Furthermore, some of you guys who are giving it the old college try are not doing too well, so maybe this little lesson will help you out. When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she's found a treasure she's not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won't even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town. So, remember, most guys can fuck, and those who can usually do it satisfactorily, but the guy who gives good head, he's got it made.

Most women are shy about their bodies. Even if you've got the world's most gorgeous woman in bed with you, she's going to worry about how you like her body. Tell her it's beautiful, tell her which parts you like best, tell her anything, but get her to trust you enough to let you down between her legs. Now stop and look at what you see. Beautiful, isn't it? There is nothing that makes a woman more unique than her pussy. I know. I've seen plenty of them. They come in all different sizes, colors and shapes; some are tucked inside like a little girl's cunnie and some have thick luscious lips that come out to greet you. Some are nested in brushes of fur and others are covered with transparent fuzz. Appreciate your woman's unique qualities and tell her what makes her special.

Women are a good deal more verbal than men, especially during love-making. They also respond more to verbal love, which means, the more you talk to her, the easier it will be to get her off. So all the time you're petting and stroking her beautiful pussy, talk to her about it.

Now look at it again. Gently pull the lips apart and look at her inner lips, even lick them if you want to. Now spread the tops of her pussy up until you can find her clit. Women have clits in all different sizes, just like you guys have different sized cocks. It doesn't mean a thing as far as her capacity for orgasm. All it means is more of her is hidden underneath her foreskin.

Whenever you touch a woman's pussy, make sure your finger is wet. You can lick it or moisten it with juices from inside her. Be sure, by all means, to wet it before you touch her clit because it doesn't have any juices of its own and it's extremely sensitive. Your finger will stick to it if it's dry and that hurts. But you don't want to touch her clit anyway. You have to work up to that. Before she becomes aroused, her clit is too delicate to be handled.

Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.

Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you've done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she's straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.

Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you're about to eat must be done gently.

Tongue-fuck her. This feels divine. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of its covering. If so, lick it. If you can't see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up to the top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience its presence. But even if you can't feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.

Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she's getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an O and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady's face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don't fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don't let go. That's what she'll be saying too: 'Don't stop. Don't ever stop!'

There's a reason for that - most men stop too soon. Just like with cock sucking, this is something worth learning about and worth learning to do well. I know a man who's a lousy fuck, simply lousy, but he can eat pussy like nobody I know and he never has trouble getting a date. Girls are falling all over him.

But back to your pussy eating session...There's another thing you can do to intensify your woman's pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she's enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, during or after. She'll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you're fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.

Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can't get deep enough. Make sure they're wet so you don't irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.

She'll let you know what to do. If you're sucking her clit and finger-fucking her at the same time, you're giving her far more stimulation than you would be giving her with your cock alone. So you can count on it that she's getting high on this. If there's any doubt, check her out for symptoms. Each woman is unique. You may have one whose nipples get hard when she's excited or only when she's having an orgasm. Your girl might flush red or begin to tremble. Get to know her symptoms and you'll be a more sensitive lover.

When she starts to have an orgasm, for heaven's sakes, don't let go of that clit. Hang in there for the duration. When she starts to come down from the first orgasm, press your tongue along the underside of the clit, leaving your lips covering the top. Move your tongue in and out of her cunt. If your fingers are inside, move them a little too, gently though, things are extremely sensitive just now.

If you play your cards right, you'll get some multiple orgasms this way. A woman stays excited for a full hour after she's had an orgasm. Do you realize the full impact of that information? The potential? One woman was clocked at 56 orgasms at one sitting. Do you know what effect you would have on a woman you gave 56 orgasms to? She'd be yours as long as you wanted her.

The last advice I have for you is this: After you've made her come, made her your slave by giving her the best head she's ever had, don't leave her alone just yet. Talk to her, stroke her body, caress her breasts. Keep making love to her quietly until she's come all the way down. A man can get off and go to sleep in the same breath and feel no remorse, no sense of loss. But a woman by nature requires some sensitivity from her lover in those first few moments after sex.

Oral sex can be the most exciting sexual experiences you can have. But it's what you make it. Take your time, practice often, pay attention to your lover's signals, and most of all, enjoy yourself.

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