Why do I like humiliation?
<This, like many others of my writings, are from *assignments* given to me. The person being addressed being a Master.>
Reference: webpage- A page that you might want to read
http://gloria-brame.com/mbarchive/why_is_humiliation_exciting.htm
Damn… how humiliating is it to have to explain why you like humiliation?
Terribly mean. I could give you an emotionally distanced overview of it,
that’d be the easiest thing to do. Mm.. but I know you’d prefer it not to
be. So how to start… Well I thought about this.. and decided maybe I wasn’t
sure if it was humiliation that I really liked, so went on a net search to find
others thoughts on the topic. Wow, confirmed my fears, yes I am terribly excited
by humiliation, and even brought to tears reading others stories and examples.
It’s totally twisted, I still don’t like the label. How can someone with
such frail self esteem admit to liking something that has such potential to be
hurtful? Sometimes it makes no sense to me, but obviously I’m not alone in
feeling this way.
I like teasing, and being teased.. verbally.. gently and in a fun way with just
about everyone and anyone. Hehe. It’s disappointing when someone doesn’t
like it or can’t mentally keep up with it. But then there is this point where,
teasing steps a bit further into humiliation. Even simply talking sometimes to
someone who I view as potentially dominant, or not, they might start asking me
questions or about my thoughts, and it pushes little buttons in my head that
make me squirm. Initially it’s my own responses that are assuming that the
questioning is purposeful to cause a bit of stress like interrogation. I’ve
felt disappointment when I find out afterwards that the person asking the
questions had no ulterior motive, or even had a clue what I was sensing. It’s
all a fun little head game… with serious sexual side effects it seems for me;
Bizarre I still think.
How does humiliation make me feel? I’m very easily embarrassed, flustered,
made to blush etc. The worst getting to where I can’t even talk. A lot of it
has to do with who is causing it. It’s either going to cause to me to become
really pissed off, or it’s going to.. mm..hit a nerve deep inside. Verbally
teasing with someone who doesn’t know me closely usually lets me have the
majority of the control, if the control shifts, then the way I feel changes.
Sometimes I respond without meaning to, thinking that the person pushing
obviously knows that they’re causing the sudden fluster of emotions and
feelings. Sometimes someone may try to tease me in the same way, but it will
fall flat, no charge and I’ll actually just be kind of irked that they’d be
so presumptuous to think they could tease me like that.
Mm.. I just had a thought cross my mind about what it means to me. It’s a
reassurance in some ways.. if done the right way? I might be embarrassed about
something I’ve done privately, and being lightly and privately teased about
how much I enjoyed it, especially if I didn’t want to but did.. it’s like..
being reminded that Yes someone has that control over me and not only did they
enjoy making me do those things.. but I enjoyed it myself, especially things I
have trouble accepting that I like. Ooh.. that’s the key.. so many things I
hate to admit I like, or that I try to keep myself from liking.
*whimpers* Ohhh.. Master please don’t make me write this.. it’s too hard to
talk about.. I read a webpage.. and it made me cry.. and writing this has been
so hard. But the more I begin to write, the.. harder it’s becoming. I’m so
torn, I don’t want all my dark secrets known.. I can’t face them all yet.
Please… let me have a few days to write about this.. a little at a time? Or
something?
New reference page found: http://www.adarkwhisper.com/general/humiliation.html
Really short, but clear page, that made sense to me. J
I’ve been thinking today, that perhaps it’s my reluctance sometimes to give
up my submissiveness (like I think one should able to do) that actually glories
in the humiliation that strips away my choice to be reluctant and exposes me for
what I truly want to be, and that is to be utterly owned. At least, that’s one
example of when and where I like it. This is partially a guess, based on a
onetime situation actually, and I think I know why it brought about behavior
from me that I’d never otherwise do. It also left me, confused and feeling
hurt afterwards, because I realized how vulnerable I had become and really hated
myself for it at first, but then as I’ve come to understand it more, the more
I’ve let myself enjoy the memories. Almost, mmm… revel in it even, and wish
to experience it again.
The situation was simple to… obey. Sounds simple? Yup… obey.. trust..
don’t say no. If I didn’t want to do something.. I could either safeword out
of the whole situation, or I could beg for not to do it because of whatever
reason I didn’t want to do it. This I was guaranteed would always bring me a
“why?” To which I could explain myself, and “master” would then choose
to continue, stop, or change it in some way. The humiliation of having to beg
off if I didn’t want to do something was incredible. Not only if I chose to do
it, but the threat that if I didn’t do as I was told, however embarrassed I
got, I’d have to even further humiliate myself by begging off. Then making it
worse, was the questions that would come, and then the orders to beg if I wanted
more because otherwise.. he was going to stop. The whole thing, created its own
evil cycle, which the more humiliated I got, the more I enjoyed it, and the more
I hated it, and the more I enjoyed it. =shudders= gawd that’s so frigging
twisted!
-------------quote from above page--------------
“Basically, degradation is used to tear one down... make them feel or look
stupid/clumsy/worthless. It’s never a positive thing..
Humiliation on the other hand... can allow one to look waaaay down deep inside.
Things like saying: “what a beautiful cunt you are” or “that’s My little
bitch” – doing things that are embarrassing, but making you feel like
you’d crawl through broken glass if they asked... It’s empowering... not
engendering powerlessness.”
---------------------------------------------------------
When, in the previous experience example, I was forced to expose myself, and to
beg for what I truly wanted, it was exhilarating. It causec me to blush madly
and become so incredibly aroused that it only led to being even deeper into
subspace and going even further in some ways then I ever had, even in
relationships for months and years. Strangest part is, I don’t think he was
even “trying” to humiliate me it was just his way. It gave me strength
though, the trust that I gave over to him, because I did lay myself so bare and
he didn’t hurt me. Later I’d think that he did.. that I was used etc. Which
were totally untrue, but for some reason in my little subby heart, it didn’t
want to accept what I’d gone through, and how deeply I felt it. So like the
quote said.. it empowered me, and gawd what a rush
What hurts me so much about admitting my need for this is that, I have such a
bad past history of being degraded, verbally, physically, emotionally. So many
comments still echo in my head, that I know were said just to hurt me, but I
still believe them. In some ways I worry that perhaps I want to be humiliated
because I truly feel inside that I am not worth being more then the lowliest of
beings. But the argument arises in my head that, being a submissive or slave,
isn’t being a lowly being anyways, so where is the basis for my argument??
Hate it when I can’t make logical sense of myself. Strange, but I think that
thinking about this and writing this today has actually gotten me past a little
of what was wanting to hold me back from it. Somehow I’m sure you’ll take
credit for that, forcing me into self-introspection. GADS.