New Content Added: 10/10/04

Poly 4 Dummies ~ by Brian

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Tools for Healthy Relationships.

1. Tell the Truth.
Lasting relationships are built on honesty. Honesty isn’t hard and it gets to be a habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth. If your relationship can’t weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can. Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumor and myth to the contrary. Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies.

Don’t ask one lover to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets breed distrust. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.

Resist the desire to ‘protect’ someone by telling them what you think they want to hear. "Especially do not feign affection." If you’re not sure about love, say so. If your relationships are not a high priority in your life, let people know. Encourage honesty in others. Above all, be honest with yourself. Are you looking to build a family or for a little sexual variety?

Fear is usually what prevents honesty. Make it safe for people to tell their truth.

2. Know Yourself.
This is the most important tool and sometimes the hardest to find. Spend quality time with yourself and find out what you’re like. Most people never do. Learn to tell when you are moody or unreasonable or defensive or hyper-sensitive or blinded by New Relationship Energy. Know your limits. If you are not able to be a good friend or lover to someone, tell them. Discover where you could do better. Learn what’s healthy for you and what’s not. Learn when to take a walk and cool off; grown-ups need time-outs too. Figure out what your priorities really are and live by. If your life doesn’t reflect your priorities, change your life, not your priorities and today, not in some better future.

Many people never see the consistent patterns in their own behavior that are obvious to everyone else, like always pursuing the same type of lover or acting just like their father did. They are blind to themselves. What don’t you know about yourself? You can transform your addictions into a preferences and eventually into a choices, but first you have to know about them.

Take time to discover things like: what baggage are you carrying from your childhood or your last relationship, what do you need and what do you only want, what pushes your buttons and why, how are you still growing up, which things are you willing to compromise on, what are your core motivations, what makes you jealous or insecure or competitive, at what point are you over-extending yourself, what are your patterns, strengths and weaknesses, etc. A lot of this goes back to honesty.

3. Take Care of Yourself.
Work on you. "Grow your own garden in your own soul, don’t wait for someone else to bring you flowers." Instead of looking to other people for validation or satisfaction or happiness, learn to make it yourself. This is a vitally important skill for living, not just relationships. You will always be at someone’s mercy - until you learn to satisfy your own needs. Once you do, you gain a freedom and confidence that can never be taken away. You can meet people as equals and choose to enjoy life together instead of carefully exchanging needs in a scarcity-driven emotional economy. Ironically, a person with this kind of independence is very attractive. (Just when we don’t need it. Thanks.)

Take time by yourself to think about what you need to work on and give yourself the space to do it. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, like yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself, serve yourself, nurture yourself, just be yourself and please, sharpen a knife and cut yourself some slack. Everyone is too hard on themselves. Everyone’s mirrors are warped. Yours are too; learn to compensate. Learn emotional first aid. Get your own shit together. Deal with your childhood/parent issues; if you don’t bury your ghosts, they’ll bury you. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of all others.

4. Take Responsibility.
Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you are going to feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your disempower yourself.

Playing the victim or martyr is just a way to manipulate people. To say, "I hurt you because my parents hurt me", is to surrender your life to other people and to the past. Be here now. Take charge of your own feelings and actions and life. You are responsible for seeing that your own needs get met. (Yes, even your sexual needs.) Don’t tell other people "do me, make me happy, protect me, save me." Learn to take care of yourself.

Relationships take work. If there are problems in one of your relationships or if your life is a mess, stand up and carry your share of the responsibility (and no more), even if you don’t think you deserve it. Taking responsibility is not taking blame, it’s taking control. Remember leaving home. As you take more responsibility over your life, you have more freedom, not less.

5. Encourage Growth.
Remember to care about your lovers as human beings. It’s surprisingly easy to forget. Support them in advancing their careers, spiritual pursuits, educations and ambitions. At their own pace and in their own way. Help them to heal and understand themselves better. Encourage them to take time by themselves and give them the space they need. Help them cultivate strength. Ask them to do the same for you but tell them how; they can’t read your mind. One way to encourage growth is to give those you love the freedom to love others.

Some people find neediness and weakness very attractive. Maybe they think they’ll be abandoned if their loved ones become strong. They might try to keep people weak and needy so they’ll stay. They might give generously but with conditions and strings attached. This is not unconditional love - it may not be love at all - it might just be aggressive need.

Growth can be stunted by difficult emotions like insecurity or fear of abandonment. One way to manage a limiting emotion is to meet it head on. "The only way out - is through." Don’t hide from it; that just gives it power. Dive in and weather it and survive it and examine it. Your fear is far worse than reality. Learn that and the emotion loses its power and you grow stronger. You can even use emotions like jealousy, insecurity, etc. to learn about yourself. Pay attention to them, they are valuable.

6. Respect.
Respect is for equals. Honor people’s limits and boundaries. Listen when someone says ‘no’. Demand the same. Never tolerate abuse of any kind. You deserve better. Be polite to your partners, they deserve it more than anyone in your life.

It’s too easy to take partners for granted. Make commitments for a limited time and not for a lifetime. "Will you marry me for another year?" It helps you stay aware. Try not to save all your best stuff for one partner and exclude other partners, especially when they are together. Treat them evenly or someone will feel slighted. Words like "best", "most" and "favorite" force comparisons and make people compete and make someone lose. Find a way for everyone to win.

Respect relationships as well as people. Think of each relationship as a separate entity. It could be healthy or sick. It has a natural shape; don’t try to force it to be something else. Find out what is it and let it be just that. Resist the desire to use a relationship to get your head in order; a lover is not a life raft. If you need therapy, see a doctor.

It’s easy to project your expectations onto other people. "Maybe they’ll change." Don’t try to force a person to be someone they are not. People are package deals; accept them for who they are, good and bad, or don’t accept them at all.

If you want respect, keep your word. Keep to the spirit of your agreements; don’t squabble over semantics looking for loop-holes to exploit. When you make an agreement in the kitchen, keep it in the bedroom.

7. Communicate.
If you want healthy relationships, strong communication skills are a necessity, not a luxury. Trouble usually starts when talking stops. Things come up all the time that have to be worked through patiently and lovingly, even when you’re having a bad day. It gets easier over time, but it takes work and a willingness to break up scar tissue and tear down walls. Communication skills are what make a person a great lover or a dud.

Arguing skills are not communication skills. Arguing better than someone doesn’t make you right, it just makes you better at arguing. Some people strive to ‘win’ an argument at all cost - even if it costs them their marriage.

Listening is more important than talking. And harder. Listen actively and don’t just hear. Make eye contact. Be here now, don’t wander. Paraphrase their words to see if you heard them right. Notice your own words and feelings as you listen. Listen to unhappy feelings without needing to fix them. Listen to disagreements without taking sides. Listen to non-verbal communication, which usually speaks more clearly than words. Be aware of how the people in your life are loving you.

Some talk is not communication. If you get lost in the woods and pass the same landmark several times, you are making the same mistake over and over. Raising your voice or speaking harshly makes you harder to understand, not easier. Avoid saying "always" and "never" is disagreements; they just dig up the past and revive old mistakes. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. "I think you’re wrong" is easier to accept than "you are wrong."

Express yourself clearly; people can’t read your mind. Learn to ask for what you want. Tear down the wall between your feelings and your words. If you set limits and boundaries, communicate them. Make sure everyone knows what they are getting into. Learn how to defuse arguments. If necessary, learn how and when to say goodbye. Actions communicate better than words. Show people that you love them. Share kindness and affection and laughter. And when in doubt, rub their feet.

8. Attitude.
Having tools isn’t enough, you have to really want to use them. Ya gotta wanna. Your disposition will make it work or blow it at any time. Find a way for everyone to win. Make important decisions unanimous. Don’t go to sleep angry; talk it out. Shine a positive light on difficult situations too; many relationships wither from negative energy. Try not to turn little problems into big ones. Look for solutions, not someone to blame. Be direct, not covert. Practice tolerance, patience, flexibility, generosity, understanding, forgiveness. Learn to apologize. Laugh at yourself.

Be wrong; you can’t learn from mistakes if you always gotta be right. Let it go; be happy instead. Listen more than you talk. Give someone else the last word. Take the high road. See things through their eyes; empathy is the cure for anger. Stay calm and remember to breath. Let down your walls, trust, open up, risk and let yourself be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy. Emphasize friendship over romance. Take your time. Savor what you have instead of dwelling on what you don’t have. Practice truly unconditional love. Share. Learn.

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6/27/98

Relationships are the hardest things we ever do. Some relationships are more challenging than others. They don’t come with instructions so we’ve got to write our own. These are mine. Inspiration came from many sources, but mostly from spectacular mistakes. It’s several pages long; you might want to print it to read it.

This is a work in progress that will never, ever be finished. I am writing it for me because I need it. Other folks might find it useful too. I shared it with a few friends and they suggested I share it with more. So share away. Maybe it can serve as compass when you get lost. Or as a prayer. (Is there a difference?)

These are my guidelines, I write them to deal with my issues. They have been useful with lovers but also with friends, children, parents and myself. The process of writing them was incredibly clarifying. The few hours invested made a big difference in the way I interact with the people I love most.

aloha, =brian
(proud member of the surfcow family)
surfcow@aloha.net

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Poly Journeys ~ by Pixel

"You are lead through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them. You are always free to change you're mind and choose a different future, or a different past. " - richard bach

I will keep my heart open to possible friends, with the possibility for potential loves... I will not discriminate against anyone unless they discriminate against me. I will find many MANY people on this "journey" who will remain friends, or will fall by the ways side. But this journey is littered with many choices.. and each disicion will change the destination in some way, I can choose to find something worth having learned from each experience. I will share my heart with many.. and find lots who will tear off a bite only to spit it out. I have yet to meet anyone who I wish I hadn't.

*My life is not so full that I would limit myself to learn/know only from those who say they have soemthing to teach, or those who only see life the same way I do.*

The journey is made up of many stations along the way. To have no destination would be like saying you don't care where you end up. I have dreams.. and my hopes are that my path will lead me there. I do not want to spend my whole life journeying...I'd like to get to the destination and have some time to enjoy it.

pixel - 14/jun/98

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Polyamory: What It Is and What It Ain't
-An Address to the First Unitarian Church of Honolulu by??
Sunday, July 10, 1994

I must admit I'm not sure what to make of what I'm about to do here this morning. It's one thing to be asked, as I have been before, to speak to a room full of your fellow Unitarians about something that falls within your realm of professional expertise. It's quite something else to be prepared to speak about your own personal lifestyle choice, particularly when that lifestyle choice is unconventional. Even more particularly when it involves sex.

I'm up here this morning because for the past six months or so I've been leading a discussion group on the subject of polyamory which meets upstairs in one of the church classrooms every Thursday night. The group has not been one of the officially sponsored programs of the church, though I've been grateful to the Adult Program Committee for letting us use the room at a very nominal rental. There have been several church members who have attended the group more or less regularly, and there have also been a few people from outside the church who seem to have developed a serious interest in Unitarianism through their exposure from attending the group. This has really pleased me, because, as a life long Unitarian and a new member of the church board, I'm concerned with seeing the church grow. I also think that one of the most important functions a Unitarian church can serve in its community is that of a haven for provocative peoplea place where they can continue to be provocative yet experience a sense of belonging and community. I know that's what this church meant to my parents and what it has meant to me.

In any case, there seems to have been some curiosity building in the congregation as to what polyamory is and what goes on upstairs every Thursday night. And so the summer program committee has asked me to talk this morning on the topic: Polyamory--What It Is and What It Ain't.

First, and most obviously, polyamory is a word. For most of us it's a new and unfamiliar word; it was certainly so for me as recently as about a year and a half ago when I stumbled on it while browsing certain computer networks. The idea behind the word was not new; the idea had been alive in my heart and mind since I first started philosophizing about intimate relationships at the age of eleven or twelve. The word itself was new to me, however, and in fact I think it is absolutely new, having been coined in just the last few years by a man with the unlikely name of Otter G'Zellabout whom more later.

Polyamory can be defined as the philosophy and practice of loving more than one other person at a time. Synonyms for polyamory are responsible, ethical, and intentional nonmonogamy. Love, in this context, is a close, serious, intimate, more or less stable, sensuous, affectionate bond which exists between one person and another person or group of people. In almost all cases this kind of love involves some sexual or at least some intense physically sensuous behavior.

Besides love, two other words which stand out in the definition of polyamory are philosophy and practice. Now, there's a lot of nonmonogamous behavior being practiced in our society. There are single people out playing the field and married people out cheating on their spouses. This is not polyamory. Responsible nonmonogamy involves a conscious philosophical commitment to an alternative style of living and loving. It involves conscious and consensual agreements between and amongst loving people, and not just the breaking loose of frustrated hormones.

As so defined, polyamory is really a quite generic term. It covers a wide range of different lifestyle alternatives. At the center of that spectrum is the fairly wellknown idea of the open marriage, or open couple. In this case, there are two people who have established a longterm commitment to each other. They may or may not be legally married but they think of each other as spouses, life partners, primary lovers, or whatever other term they might use. There is, however, an agreement between the two of them that each can pursue and experience love and sex outside their relationship without destroying their own commitment. These outside relationships are often referred to as secondaries.

At one end of the polyamory spectrum are the arrangements known as group marriages. In a group marriage there are more than two peoplethree, four, or morewho all consider themselves essentially married to each other. These arrangements are obviously not legal marriages in the United States at this time, yet people in group marriages consider themselves collective spousescohusbands, sisterwivesand usually live together, sharing household expenses, chores, and parenting duties. Group marriages can be "closed" or "open" depending on whether or not the agreements within the group allow for sexual and loving relationships outside the committed group. People in closed group marriages have made up another special "poly" word for themselves. They call what they do "polyfidelity," and refer to themselves as "polyfides."

The other end of the spectrum contains less formal and structured arrangements called intimate networks. These are flexible but moreorless stable "expanded families" made up of erotic friends who have relationships of varying intimacy, intensity, and commitment. Intimate networks may include mixtures of open couples, open group marriages, and singles. People in intimate networks often talk about "primary, secondary, and tertiary partners" to describe the varying levels of intimacy and commitment in their relationships.

So, that covers the range of practices included in polyamory. But, what about the philosophical underpinnings of what polyamorists do? The philosophies also cover something of a range, and to tell you about them I'll have to give you a bit of a list.


First of all, some polys would say that their polyamorous philosophy is nothing more than a straightforward rational acceptance of the realities of human nature. These polys would say that American culture is perpetrating a fraud on the people. The culture would like us to think that human beings, along with bald eagles, gibbons, and whooping cranes, are among the tiny fraction of animal species who are naturally and biologically monogamous in their mating habits. The facts are that the vast majority of human cultures studied by anthropologists and sociologists allow for some form of polygamy or other sanctioned polyamorous relating, and over 90% of mammalian and primate species are nonmonogamous in their mating patternsincluding our closest genetic cousins, the great apes. Even in our own culture the statistics on divorce and marital infidelity make it clear that the
isolated nuclear family built around a lifelong monogamous couple as a norm and standard in our society is pretty much a myth.

The phenomenon of so called "serial monogamy" may be an unconscious compromise between the cultural ideal of monogamy and the facts of human nature. Yet, recently I encountered a polyamorist woman on a computer network who was pondering what set her apart from her monogamous and serial monogamous neighbors. She said she finally decided that the essential element that makes her polyamorous is that "I refuse to accept the myth that I have to stop loving one person before I start loving another."

There are other polys who view their polyamory as a look backward toward better times in the history of human society. Some of them look no further back than to the late nineteenth century in upstate New York, where there existed an intriguing social experiment called the Oneida Community. The Oneidas were a heretical Christian sect who established an agrarian commune in rural New York and coexisted peaceably with their conventional neighbors for about forty years. In the context of nineteenth century America, the Oneidas practiced some concepts which even today would be considered futuristic in some circles. As best they could conceive it given their cultural background, they practiced equality between the sexes. They practiced family planning and contraception, and sex for recreation and pleasurebonding as well as reproduction. They also practiced a concept called "complex marriage" in which every adult member of the community was considered essentially married to every other member.

Some of these polys look back considerably further than the Oneidas to find their inspiration, back to a much more ancient, and perhaps even mythological time. This was a time before Christ, before Moses, before the rise of patriarchy, and before the subjugation and chattelization of women. In those times, it is said, no one cared or even knew about paternity and lines of inheritance, and the sexual ownership of one person by another was unknown. Women were then independent agents revered as creators of life and empowered to bestow their favors and pleasures when and where they saw fit.

Yet another group of polys look not to the past for their inspiration but toward the future. These are the speculators and projectors, who are concerned not so much with how things are or were but with how they might bethe possible futures of human society. Many of these people draw their inspiration from the writings of sciencefiction authors, and, in fact, organized sciencefiction fandom appears to be one of the richest veins of polyamory in America today. These people would say, look, sciencefiction authors have given us the ideas for space travel, nuclear submarines, communication satellites, and robotsand we have picked up those ideas and run with them and see what marvelous things we have created in our world. See what even more marvelous things we expect to create in the near future. Then these people would say, look, sciencefiction authors don't just give us ideas for physics, biology, and engineering; they also give us ideas for new ways we could relate to each other, new ways we could love each other, new family structures and new ways our society could be for us. It's about time we picked up those ideas and ran with them; these are the really exciting possibilities sciencefiction offers us. We don't even have to wait for Western Electric or General Dynamics to do it for usthese ideas are things we can put into effect in our own lives. All we need is the courage and determination to, as the song says, "try something new."

Finally, a last group of polyamorists view their polyamory not as a look toward the past or the future, but as a tenet of their religion. We know, of course, that there is some uncounted number of unreconstructed Mormons living on the back roads of Utah, and an uncountable number of Muslims and others all over the world who practice some form of religiously sanctioned polygamy. In my experience, however, most of the conscious religious polyamorists in America today are not Mormons or Muslims but Humanists or Pagansor, in the case of people like myself, both at once. Christianity tells us that sex is sin. For many Pagans, sex is the great cosmic creative power of the Universe working itself out on the human level. For us, the joining of a man and a woman in sexual passion is a symbolic reenactment of the joining of the God and the Goddess in a continuous cosmic copulation out of which flows the creation of all things. For us, sex is a religious ritual, an item of magickal practice, a meditative disciplineat the very least it is a celebration of the divine spark in ourselves and our partners and the link between us and Mother Nature and the infinite.

Pagans have a spiritual equivalent of marriage called handfasting. Since it is not a legal contract, handfasting does not involve some of the arbitrary restrictions of licensed marriage. Handfasting can occur between members of the same sex, members of the opposite sex, or amongst groups of people in polyamorous arrangements. The details of the handfasting agreement, such as its duration and its degree of exclusivity, are open to negotiation based on the individual needs and desires of the people involved.

One of the largest and oldest incorporated Pagan organizations in America is called the Church of All Worlds. It was founded in the late 1960's and is still led by the aforementioned Otter G'Zell, the coiner of the term polyamory. CAW holds the distinction of being the only organized American denomination I know of which explicitly supports polyamorous relating amongst its members. The church is organized into small congregations called "Nests," and some, though apparently not all, of these Nests have been intentionally set up not only as religious fellowships but also as functioning intimate networks.

So, I have discussed at some length some of the things polyamory is, and its foundations in science and religion, the past and the future. I will now turn my attention to some of the things that polyamory "ain't." One of the first things that most polys would tell you that polyamory ain't isit ain't swinging. Swinging has sometimes been called sport sex or spouse swapping. I would define it as more or less organized recreational sexual activities for married couples and singles. Now, certainly, from a strictly sexual point of view that would constitute nonmonogamous behavior; and, I have no reason to doubt that many swingers approach what they do with a sincere sense of responsibility and philosophical commitment. I know that a number of polys I have met have engaged in swinging in the past and may be continuing to do so; and, I expect that there are swingers who have, over a period of time, developed some genuine supportive and intimate friendships among their fellow swingers. So, there is undoubtedly some overlap between the world of swinging and the world of poly. But insofar as swinging focuses on casual sexual pleasure while polyamory aims at enduring intimate relationships, the two philosophies and practices are significantly different and should be kept separate in our minds.

Another thing that polyamory ain't is, it ain't "free love" in the 1960s sense of the term. It's true that many of the polys I know are people who grew up through the '60s, and lots of them probably still hold dear some of the values of that turbulent and inspired era. Still, I think a fair amount of maturation has taken place in the intervening decades. Just as it would take a fair level of financial maturity to shell out the $135.00 a ticket to attend the return to Woodstock scheduled for later this year, so it takes a fair level of personal and emotional maturity to practice polyamory in the 1990s. Polyamory is about real enduring intimate relationships among real individuals, not some ethereal notion that everyone should love everyone else and sex should be free as a sneeze.

The last and most important thing that I'm going to say polyamory ain't is thisit ain't "THE ANSWER." If you are looking for a quick and easy answer to all your personal and relationship problems, polyamory ain't it. I you are looking for a quick and easy answer to all your personal and relationship problems, you can't look to polyamory; you can't look, for that matter, to monogamy; in fact if you are looking anywhere except deep inside yourself you are looking in the wrong place, and even if you are looking inside you're not likely to find quick and easy answerslife isn't that way. Polyamory is a complex and challenging lifestyle, a path which, in the words of ObiWan Kenobi, is "not to be travelled lightly." I wish I could, but I can not guarantee that the handsome and charming person who invites you into a polyamorous relationship necessarily has your best interest at heart. There are horror stories in the annals of polyamory, some of which we have heard told in our Thursday discussion group and some of which I have lived through in my own life. They must be owned and acknowledged, though we may console ourselves with the thought that the annals of monogamy are at least as horrific.

If you listen to me or to someone else or you read a book and a voice inside you says, "I think I may be polyamorous," well, maybe you are, and maybe that's worth exploring for you. I want to clarify, though, what I mean by explore. I mean read; I mean listen; I mean discuss; I mean consider. Don't jump into this lifestyle because it looks like an attractive practice. You need to be clear that you have a philosophical commitment to what you're about to do before you do it. If you are now in a committed monogamous relationship you must be extremely clear about that philosophical commitment and how important it is to you, because before long it may well be all that you have. Polys, like any group who live on the outskirts of our society's moral village, can live lonely and frustrating lives.

If you listen to me or to someone else or you read a book and a voice inside you says, "I think I'm monogamous," well, probably you are, and probably you should let it stand at that. I don't know, and I don't think anyone does, whether polys are born or made; I do know that I have no desire to set myself up in the business of manufacturing them. I lead discussion groups and give talks and write articles on polyamory because I believe in freedom of choice, and because I believe in the importance of taking informed responsibility for the choices we make. I believe that a free and open societyof the sort that I believe Unitarianism is and that we all hope America can becomevalues diversity and has room in it for responsible people of all stripes, from Christian to Pagan, from celibate to libertine, from monogamist to polyfide to intimate networker. These are choices to be made seriously and soberly and not to be palmed off on our gods, our society, or the ghosts of our parents. As a poet I know recently said while pondering the conundrums of sex and relationships:

Let it always be your pleasure,
Though your greatest pleasure be
To see another pleased.

Let it always be your choice,
Though your choice may be
To throw yourself on the winds of passion.

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Pixel's take on poly relationship behaviors

1) Primary/Secondaries etc
    In my case, and most possibly anyone I am involved with, there is a spouse, or person of long standing in the
foundation relationship. This person is my primary relationship. Whether he is involved in my extra relationships or not, he will know everything he wants or needs to about it. There are no secrets between us. My first priority will be my primary relationship and the family we have by it. That includes time, emotions, financial, and all
those other things that I can't even think to name. Since this is how I feel about my primary relationship, I assume
that for anyone I'm involved in they would feel similarly about their own primary family, so extend that acceptance
and understanding. I do think there is the possibility of having other primary type relationships without them being of the same as my married/spouse relationship, and I do believe there is even the possibility of having someone in our life who would be equal to my husband and I, just as primary. Of course we've not found that yet, and even if that were so they would have a small disability of time spent together. So how would it ever be totally equal I don't know? I think there would always be a slight deference to the relationship that has been together the longest. In any case... beyond my married relationship I view other relationships as their own sort of primary and secondary.
    A primary relationship with me would mean an emotional concern and commitment to try to make things work. A dedication above other friendships and relationships, to spend time, energy, voice concerns, enjoy being together, sex etc with that person (second only of course to any other prior primary relationships). Trust honesty, and communication playing a major role in this relationship. I have found it nearly impossibly to have a long distance (ld) primary relationship, so would tend to try to keep them only as secondaries, unless somehow lots of time could be spent together somehow. Secondary relationships for me are close to primary, but
with less to no actual commitment. Consider it like close friends, enjoying being with each other, but without such an emotional responsibility. I think this could range from ldr's of a nearly primary feeling, to just *fuck buddies* as some folks put it. Personally tho... I have little use for fuck buddies... I much prefer intimacy with a lover, then just sex with a friend. I still believe there would have to be trust, honesty and communication, but not nearly as intense as with a primary relationship. Then there are also just friends…. Can be lots of things, but specifically I wouldn't consider having sex with a friend. Sometimes I think breaking relationships up into names
helps me establish how much emotional energy I should give a relationship, or how much I should expect from one. Some say jealousy comes from not having ones needs met. Well I agree with that, and if one is expecting more from a relationship then they should, then it may be more likely that they will begin to feel jealous of other people and other relationships.

2) New Relationships
I try to approach new people as friends. When interests are found in common, then any kind of relationship can grow. There comes a point where all parties can tell if the relationship is becoming more serious. Sometimes sex is involved early, I'd prefer it not to be, but it happens of course. I personally believe I can only build on one
relationship at a time. Therefor I try to keep from starting new ones within the first 6 months or so of a relationship. If all is going well with the relationship, I so far haven't found any reason to look for my needs to be met elsewhere.  If a person thinks they can handle multiple relationships, and still keep the level of attention I believe a new relationship needs, then I can see no reason for being objectionable to it. But out of preference, I would wish that any relationship I am in the beginning of building, that it be limited to just us for a period of time. When new relationships are started, I feel all primary types should be informed, and a consensus taken. If someone feels they don't want me to start a new relationship, then that will be addressed before I do. Always the primaries have a priority.

3) Sex
Perhaps I should say intimacy instead of sex. Intimacy is so much more then sexual interaction. Speaking of sex itself though, I am disease free. I only mentally evaluate some people when they express having limited sex with others. Sometimes I'll even ask right out if another person feels secure about being disease free. It is a big issue to me, one I've let slide probably too much, but perhaps I should start being more insistent about it.
I have tried casual sex, it does not leave me feeling fulfilled. I need to feel a high sense of trust before I can open up to the full sexual intensity that I know can happen. I equate having sex without a relationship as performing. I
can perform sex. I can go through the physical motions. I can enjoy it as a physical thing, but it leaves me later
feeling emotionally empty. I'm sure there is a reason for this somewhere, but knowing this is how I feel is how I deal with it for now. Speaking of intimacy, it can also be attained without sex and also in different bdsm type play.

4) Trust, honesty, & communication
I expect honesty; I will be honest. Secrets and lies are a sure way to ruin trust. Without trust on can not communicate or find the safety needed to show ones vulnerabilities to another. We all have to take responsibility for our own emotions, but at the same time we should feel secure with somene who says they love you. Trust enables honesty, honesty enables communication, communication enables the growth of a loving relationship. Communication… it's more than talk. It's being able to express any thoughts one may have, and it's being able to listen to someone express theirs. No point of view is worthless, there is never a 100% right or wrong thought, concern, or expressed feeling.   There are some who live by the "don't ask, don't tell"
rule, but not I. Not telling the truth by avoidance or omision is the same as lying. If something effects me, it
will effect my relationships. It is then my responsibility to let those I am involved with know about these things.

This is just the first 4 topics of poly that I've had time to address at this point, and I've decided to post it here for anyone who may wish to get to know me, and for anyone else who is trying to find a way to express possibly similar feelings. These aren't rules for everyone... not even hard rules for myself.. but they are essentialy how I behave and wish things to be.  ~ pixel 12.28.98

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Poly Myths!

Poly people are never, ever jealous.

Poly people have (choose one) better/more/weirder/all-of-the-above
sex.

Poly people are all bisexual.

Poly people communicate better than our monogamous brothers and
sisters.

Poly people must be more outgoing than everyone else.

Poly people are just in it for the sex.

Polyamory has nothing to do with sex.

Poly people never cheat.

Poly people have weird relationships with parrots.

Poly people within a relationship are telepathic.

Poly people can start up a stable household just like *that*.

Poly people will sleep with anyone.

A poly person will help you cheat on your partner, or at least will be
sympathetic to your desire to cheat on your partner.

Poly people never feel lonely or socially awkward or sexually
frustrated.

poly is never having to say you're sorry

Poly people are all into kinky sex/BDSM.

Poly people all have group sex.

Poly people are all promiscuous.

You have to have internet access to be truly poly.

If you are jealous, you *CAN'T* be poly.

There is a secret magic spell that will convince your spouse to try
poly.

There is a secret key that will gain you access to the Land of
Bisexual Women Who Want to Make a Family With You and Your Spouse.

Poly folks all have byzantine sleeping schedules posted on the
refrigerator.

Poly folks are all into SF Fandom, SCA, and RenFaire.

Poly folks are More Evolved.

Poly people don't need to verbalize their needs because they are all
telepathic.

Poly people all prioritize their relationships the exact, same way.

Poly people pagans and *never* go to church.

Poly people can't have long term relationships because they suffer from ADD.

Poly people are left-over free-love hippies from the 60's

Once a poly, always a poly.

Polys and monos don't mix.

A poly world would be a horrible thing.

All gay/lez/bi people are poly people, they just don't know it.

All poly people are gay/lez/bi, they just don't know it.
Poly men are promiscuous womenizers.

Poly women are promiscuous sluts.

Poly people take more than their fair share of love/sex/all the above,
leaving monos with less.

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hon·es·ty :
a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts .
synonyms HONESTY, HONOR, INTEGRITY, PROBITY mean uprightnessof character or action. HONESTY implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way. HONOR suggests an active or anxious regard for the standards of one's profession, calling, or position. INTEGRITY implies trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust, responsibility, or pledge

I’ve had a hard lesson taught to me just recently about relationships and honesty. I’ve been told by an ex-gf that I am/was "too honest". That made me stop to think for awhile. How can someone be too honest? Of course… this came from a woman who I found to be NOT honest with me, so perhaps her whole perspective on honesty was a bit skewed.

Here’s the synopsis. I have been poly, and in a few relationships as such, and approach poly relationships as needing to be totally upfront and honest. Honest to myself, honest to my loved ones, honest to the person I’m being involved with. After spending nearly a year together, I found my gf shopping around for new loves. Ok, we’re all poly, where is the problem? HONESTY. If she would have told me that she didn’t want to continue this relationship, that she was looking for someone else, THEN I could have moved on. But instead she did what I consider to be "sneaking around". Logging on with different names I didn’t know about. Posting personal ads. Talking to new people, meeting them! At one point something happened and I asked her about meeting others. She assured me it wasn’t for HER, it was always for.. Someone else. When I finally found out about the others she was meeting online, what happened? She refused to talk to me anymore. I had done something.. what? Hurt her? Deceived her? Ok.. actually.. I had found her out, and I think that’s what she was really angry about. In anycase she flung some hurtful remarks, and has gone her merry way to meet other unsuspecting hearts.

So back to the topic of honesty. Honesty in this case would have saved me a lot of emotional torment. Honesty would have let us deal with this relationship in a mature way. Honesty would have allowed me to look at myself, her to look at herself, us to look at each other. What does honesty mean to a person?

1. Honesty to self: how much bs do you pull on yourself? How many lies to you tell yourself to avoid painful truths? How well do we deceive ourselves? If we deceive ourselves, aren’t we in turn deceiving those who love us? My life is wonderful! No… my life is good, it has it’s positive and negative points. Had I spent anytime thinking, this relationship is draining me of my positive energy? Had I ever wondered if I was putting in more then I was getting back? Was I putting in so much that I was lying to myself that I was beginning to feel empty and needing to support myself instead of her? The answer is yes. I saw my own signs. I saw that I was draining energy from my other relationships to try to make this work. I was lying to myself. It was not going to work. I was NOT honest with myself, or I would have ended it months earlier.
2. Honest to others: Did I lie to my other SO? No. I did tell him that our relationship wasn’t fulfilling me, that it was leaving me drained. But did I want to end it? No. At least that was all the truth. I did want it to work. I was going to do my damnedest to try to make it work.

But.. nobody can make a relationship work by themselves. Honestly? She didn’t give a damn. Honestly? She didn’t even try. Honestly? She used me and hurt me badly. Honestly? She’ll never realize it because she can’t be honest with herself. Honestly? I wouldn’t change what I’ve been through. Honestly? I hope someone will teach her about honesty. Honestly? I will demand my next relationship be honest! And HONESTLY? The next girlfriend who says I’m too honest , I’m going to break up with right on the spot!!

Pixel aka Becky G., April 17, 2000

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Poly BDSM?? Can it work?

Can polyamory and bdsm mix?  Lots of people have lots of opinions… and the only one who can answer it for you is yourself. Some great sites devoted to these ideals are:

http://www.gloria-brame.com/
http://www.geocities.com/the_ravensloft/
http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/

Of course, like so many I have my opinion and for 10 years have experienced how this works in my life. For starters, I feel people out and see where they fit on my scales.

|<- Monogamous – swinging – polyamorous – polyfidelous ->|
|<- Heterosexual – bisexual – Homosexual ->|
|<- celibacy – petting/kissing – oral/limited – all sex ->|
|<- vanilla – open minded vanilla – kinky – BDSM ->|
|<-Natural Gender – fetish gender – pre-op transgender – postop transgender ->|

All of these are separate ratings, any relationship can be any combination of those. For example, my relationship with my husband is: polyfidelous, hetrosexual, all sexual, sometimes kinky and we’re both natural gender. A relationship I have with one of what I consider “primaries” in my life is: polyamorous, hetrosexual, limited sexual, bdsm, natural. An ex-love of mine could be summed up as: poly, bisexual, limited, kinky and pre-op transgender.  Has this gotten confusing yet? It really shouldn’t be. I don’t hold everything up to these labels; they are quickly readjusted and can change from time to time within any relationship.  Often now I see the term “pansexual” being used, this generally means the person is saying they are open to all sexuality and gender choices. I could easily label myself such as well, but generally don’t. There are many assumptions that people make by labels. When you tell a man you’re bisexual they start wanting to hook you up with every woman in the world, not realizing that attraction for women is just like with men, not everyone is going to light your fire.  When I tell people I am poly, sometimes they assume I am looking for a lover when I’m not.   So.. labels sometimes are good, but only if everyone has the same definition. But then we all know what they say about assuming anything.

Since all relationships are not created equal, nothing can be assumed about any relationship.  I’ve had fully bdsm relationship where no sex was involved, and I’ve had strictly vanilla relationships where sex was part of it. So when it needs to be summed up I just tell people I am “poly.”  Actually, the more I’ve thought about it lately, I am more of what is considered poly-fidelous. I have more then one loving relationship, and the openness to possibly include more is very limited to the consideration and acceptance of those involved with me. Believe me… this can be difficult and sometimes hard to deal with. But I feel it’s comparative to those living monogamously, there are temptations that we must always judge maturely if we want to give in or refuse that temptation.  Sometimes I find myself in situations where I SOOOOOO want to give in.. grab that temptation.. Only to have those involved with me poke me gently and ask.. “Is that really what you want? Is it going to be good for you? Are you reacting like a child who wants candy, or an adult who can open her eyes and see what ripple effects that choice will have on every other relationship?”  

After 10 years most of the rules my husband and I created to live by back then are now so ingrained that I forget to tell others of them.  One of them is that we never become involved with someone else without both of us meeting the new person, a couple times this has slipped past, but it is truly for the best if we both meet and get to know that possible future person. Another is that we be honest about anything the other wants to know.  That is one of the hardest, but we’ve both found that sometimes we want to know, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we just want a general idea without details, communication being a necessity.  If you read or learn about any types of relationship you’ll find communication is the key to solving most problems, even jealousy. Jealousy itself is not a negative emotion, too many people think it is, but it’s not. How we deal with our jealousy determines if it’s good or bad. Jealousy is most often caused by our own fears and worries if someone we love or care about adequately loves us in return. Once you can look inside yourself and identify that it is jealousy that causes your actions, and then you can stop and communicate this with your loved one. Often times just voicing our concerns takes away their power to feed our fears. Sometimes everyone else has to be put on –hold- while one is reassured and reminded that they are loved. Someone who can never get past their jealousy should seriously reconsider if they truly want to be in a poly lifestyle, but I’m positive they will still encounter this same jealousy even in a monogamous one.

For myself there is also a hierarchy of those involved in my life. Who has priority over the other, who has say or sway over a decision more then another.  My husband has final say over anything that may inhibit or keep me from fulfill my duties to him and family as partner or parent.  Chronologically he also holds high title as we’ve been together for 10 years. Time spent in a relationship is never to be taken lightly.  Currently there are two other people in my life, an ex-master and a loved one who is in the position of my mentor. My ex is still a Dom that I would willingly submit to, that I love immensely, and who knows me inside and out after 4 years. My Mentor is a Dom whom I am and have been in love with for almost a year. It’s been a rough year, new relationships always are but they are only compounded in a poly situation such as this.  His status of almost a year with me also puts him above anyone new I would meet, and that is just saying by the time rules in my head. There is so much more to the hierarchy then that, but relationship length is a quick and easy guideline. Now, the only position that would change the rules would be one who would be my Master. One who would be my Master would have a status equal to that of my husband, but his role would be more over my submissive nature and he’d have to be fully understanding and acquiesce to anything that would detract from my home life.  There would have to be an acceptance and respect of one for the other. Anyone who would demand that I choice one over the other would quickly lose my respect and consideration for being the recipient of my love, adoration and obedience. One being considered for such a role of course would have say over anyone else in the status below Him. That requires a lot of trust and consideration, but then, anyone would say that same about all aspects of a D/s relationship.

Often times I wonder if polyamory, even fidelously, is what my heart truly desires. I think we all question our lifestyle choices whatever we are living, all part of growing and being attuned with our emotions and desires. I also think that our choices can change from moment to moment in life; we’re never too old or too set in our ways to change our mind. I’ve lived in long term relationships both monogamously and poly. I spent lots of time thinking I was straight, then thinking I was lesbian, and then finally accepting that I am bisexual. We all grown and feel our way along in life, and if not, then we become stagnant and unhappy.  So there is no, does polyamory really work, that’s like saying does monogamy really work? Because we all choose, we all feel differently, and what might work for one doesn’t have to make sense to what works for another. Just be open minded while hanging onto your integrity, that will give you the most happiness.

You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them. You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.
~ Richard Bach

by Pixel aka Becky G., Oct. 10, 2004

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