What is true submissive training anyways?

<This, like many others of my writings, are from *assignments* given to me. The person being addressed being a Master.>

I’m still after years and years wondering what submissive training is all about. I hear comments like “old school” and “voice training” and such, and still… I wonder where submissive go and what they learn for these labels. When I think about myself… I feel that yes I’ve learned a bit over time, but not that I was really trained. Maybe it’s like manners or what I consider common courtesies? I giggle when I hear my friend say she’s been online “gorian” trained. Online? So she kneels on command in front of her computer? Spanks her bottom as ordered? It makes me laugh, but also makes me wonder, does she really?

When I first started out on this journey of being submissive, I just assumed it was about saying “yes Master” and giving away control. Slowly learning about safe words and safe play, about submissive rights?  I’ve been snubbed by Dom’s online who tell me straight out that I’m not a submissive because I’m too outspoken and opinionated. I don’t act the part. Is that part of training? Trained to give up our personalities to be truly submissive. Do I believe that? No, of course not.

 First steps as I look back now, were very typical of newbies. Addressing Dom’s by greeting them with titles before their names. The first real life experience I had was meeting some online friends who took us to a bdsm group’s meeting  The first glimpse I’d have of meeting people who were supposed to be in the lifestyle in real life as well as playing online on irc type message areas. It was a glimpse that showed they were nothing like they were online! She tried to be, she was a good friend and very submissive. But the man she’s met from online was turning out to not be as Dominant as he claimed. I don’t know if I could ever put my finger on what was missing, but we spent the evening and weekend with them. It was my first live experience with another submissive, and it was fun as we played the parts; serving and fetching, kneeling and enjoying our respective Masters attention. Unfortunately for her, most of her actions went unnoticed and unappreciated.

We attended the dinner which also included two demo’s. I was held spell bound as I watched a woman Dominant show off her pet’s hand training. A different movement of her hand, and he’s promptly assume the pose. It was very subtle, and exciting to me. Next demo was another woman, who frankly amazed me, as she was a larger woman and there was nothing about her demeanor that would ever make anyone think she might have a problem with it. Her submissive young man was used to show various poses as well. I was impressed with the variety of people we met, from a school teacher sub who knelt at her husbands feet, to the bold red headed Domina who was in charge of the group.  While we eagerly joined the group, our friend’s mate could only make rude comments about the “dog boy and his bitch”.  My first real life submissive training perhaps was the bits of etiquette I learned by just being respectful of others and their varieties of tastes in the realm of bdsm.  Perhaps I didn’t really learn anything, just reinforced on my own common curtsies.

 Our first dungeon party was a few months later. Referenced to a FAQ file, we read the “dungeon etiquette* on the two hour drive to the party. Worried that we’d clumsily break some taboo rule, we went over and over the rules and suggestions. I think I was a bit let down upon first entering the party. Hosted at a hotel’s reception room, it looked nothing like a “dungeon” to me. Some familiar faces, and some new ones, but everyone was seated at round tables just chatting amongst themselves. As more people showed up, some props did as well. Soon a double X frame was set up, a stocks, an interesting pole with arms. All along one side of the room where the lights had been dimmed. It still didn’t feel like how I imagined it. The rules for the hotel were simple, no sex, no wax play, no water or blood sports. I looked on in dismay as one woman flirted with a young guy, pouring the wax from the table candle onto herself, and unfortunately all over the floor and table cloth. Lesson #1 on the evening: some people never follow even the simplest of rules, and don’t care who they might inconvenience by it, therefore, never be like that and follow the rules.

 As various people began to do their own little scenes, I noticed the school teacher couple in the corner with something very interesting that gave off the prettiest blue violet color but sizzled and gave off a strange ozone smell.  Respectful of the rules we’d read, I approached quietly after awhile and asked if I could watch. The man was very gracious, smiling and nodding as if it were no problem at all. Watching the woman writhe and squirm was intensely interesting.  When they were finished I went back to my mate who was also my master, and told him about what I had seen. He wanted to see himself, so we both approached the couple in the corner where they were. Before I knew it, the man was offering to let me feel it on my skin, and then to my master to let him use it on me.  Lesson #2 of the evening: when treated with kindness and respect, others will sometimes share an implement to spread the happiness around. (hehe)

 The third lesson was of a different variety, and maybe a more personal to me. Others were definitely enjoying themselves at the various stations. Including one man in an opposite corner who was having some incredible weights hung from his balls. It was at this point that my Master wanted me to remove my shirt and be tied to a wooden frame. Standing in a darkened corner behind him I removed my shirt but became so embarrassed that I wouldn’t let him step away from me. Leaning against him almost in tears he kept reassuring me, and stroking my back. Finally I moved to the frame, closing my eyes until he began to lightly flog my back. It soon didn’t matter what I was wearing, I became engrossed in the sensations and flying through the subspace. Even turning around so he could work across my breasts, uncaring if anyone looked. When I did open my eyes afterwards I was hit with my third lesson of the night, and perhaps the most important one. That everyone here was a peer and friend, that while it was a big step to reveal myself emotionally and physically there before anyone who cared to look, it wasn’t anything out of place for them to see. (I’m trying to find a better summation for this, but I can’t seem to find the exact words of what I felt.) It was a sense of being amongst others who all felt the same way, and did the same things.  

 Over the months of more parties I don’t think I learned anything specific that I would consider sub training. Just interacted with others, and enjoyed the feeling of the group. At that time I started being teased about being a SAM, because my comments were sometimes so sarcastic and off handed, most didn’t think I was a submissive at all. Strange, I don’t know why really. I just didn’t put up with anyone’s shit.  I got the chance to submit to the beautiful group leader. She took my attitude and adjusted it easily and quickly, then flew into one the best experiences of my life. Lesson to my heart; It doesn’t matter what they think they see on your outside, it’s that you show of your true self that they will love. So my hard shell was ok, because I knew as well as those who counted to me, that I was submissive at heart.

 Over the next three years something would change. There’s lots of times I’ve told my mate that I don’t really know why, but I stopped being submissive to him. I wanted more direction, more security; I wanted him to take more control and guide me to be more then I was.  I knew this, but I didn’t share it. He didn’t understand when I tried. My first husband was a real ass, my high school sweetheart who turned out to be a total jerk and abusive in so many ways. Yet, I know myself when I was with him he held me to certain expectations, and I strived to meet them. I never did of course, but it was direction, and something I really lack is self-motivation. My mate as my master was not encouraging any growth; it was simply a lot of bedroom games in the end. Except about that time he took on a new pet, one who was supposedly gorian trained and who was oh so ready to do the things he wanted. I watched them for months, and now for a couple years actually. They fit each other very well. They play the s&m games more then anything. I don’t think she needs anything more, and he doesn’t seem to need anything more, so I began looking elsewhere, not even sure anymore if I really was submissive.

 A part of me knew that my mate wouldn’t be happy about me wanting to be submissive with someone else. I knew this, I’m not always as naive as I act. I thought perhaps it was something else I wanted though, and it was at this point that I made friends with “the pony groom”. Encouraged by his pony list I started talking to a woman pony trainer 2 hrs from my home. When it got down to really sharing a lot of information with her though I decided I wasn’t as ready as I thought to go off  and learn to be something different with someone new. Now I really began to wonder about myself. Watching my mate and his pet just irritated me so much, it became increasingly hard to contain my feelings. 

 Then I joined the muck cyber life.  I played with various characters, and slowly I started noticing people around me becoming pets of others, but nobody ever asked me. I spent some time at one point talking to someone I knew. He said my whole demeanor was to aggressive and probably put off many Doms. Thinking that hurt a lot. I wasn’t overly aggressive, I just was direct and knew what I wanted. That was when I met S….

            Journal Entry March 24, 2001

             She’s the perfect sub. She sits at his feet constantly, happy and content. Master rolls from her tongue in a purr, while I can barely voice the word when demanded. She’s a “kadjira”, just ask her, her license plate says it even! She knows all the proper poses, she knows the secret handshake, she’s read “slave girl of Gor” so many times she can recite it. She wants her nipples pierced, she wants her labia pierced. “Master I want a brand! A cute little K on my bottom proclaiming my kadjira status!” she cries out begging him. She wants a new collar, she wants everything I have had, she wants it all. Can I blame her? I just wonder what it is she gives in return? She’s a nice enough friend, a flake and a pain in the ass at times. But her actions make me cringe and churns my stomach.  My  mind screams…. What do you want??  What do you want??? WHAT DO I WANT??

            “pet?” “yes?” “What are you thinking?” “I am thinking about how I can please you Master.” “Oh? And how might that be Pet?” She snuggles closer, her toe wiggles with a sense of contentment and security. His demand, to only concern herself with pleasing him. She’s not to worry about bills. She’s not to be afraid to answer the phone. She’s to do her work that she enjoys, she doesn’t have to care about being paid, he takes care of her billing, cashes her checks and uses everything she makes to take care of all the financial worries He requires her to be accountable, for her time, for her thoughts, and in her submission to him. He doesn’t voice his worries over the finances or the daily trivialities around them. His time is more enjoyably spent enjoying her pleasing him, and he in return empowering her

            I can’t tell anyone this..

 I met S in person 2 weeks later, and 3 weeks later agreed to come stay at his place for an extended weekend. I secretly agreed to kneel to him, to call him Master… to give myself over to him. I found again that I was indeed submissive. That I craved the attention, the strictness. My mate still doesn’t understand what I need, but now I do. I crave the confines and structure of discipline and training. Years of adapting to whom I was with is ok, and perhaps I don’t have any real bad habits to break from bad training.

In my years in the scene I have seen very little formal training for the submissive/slave, instead seeing them learning in each successive relationship. While this can in some situations be successful, in most cases it does not lead to healthy lasting relationships  

Trying to learn to please one is hard, then trying to learn to please another who uses a very different style or approach, or even who focuses on different aspects of BDSM is even harder as there is a large amount of un-learning that needs to be done. A certain amount of this will always be unavoidable as long as relationships end and new ones begin, however a comprehensive training period can provide a solid grounding. From this training and self-exploration the submissive/slave will know themselves better within the BDSM world as well as knowing many of the basic skills expected of a submissive/slave as well as some advanced ones..  ~ RebelDom

All this time I’ve always thought of submissive training as being taught etiquette, but now I believe it’s so much more. I think it’s more like meditation and learning about oneself.  You asked me a long time ago something which I can’t even remember, but I know how I answered. I told you that without having expectations to strive for, one doesn’t even bother reaching. At the time, it felts so prophetic to my own ears. It was, it does, and has since plagued my mind as I realize my current life isn’t doing anything to make me grow as a submissive.  Is it possible that my mind races and tumbles over itself so much that it needs the confines of training to find true focus? I only know I need some direction, some reasons, some use… and I’m totally rambling now trying to figure out what my whole point was… and knowing I finally made it to page 5!!

I think I’m going to be in trouble.. it’s 12:53 and this is where I am. Not even having a chance to do a second read over again. For that I feel guilty and bad… but I’ll live with it. I still am not sure about the purpose of this writing… you just want to peer in my head?

Well…. Time to send this off..

~ Pixel  April 12, 2002 12:56 am.